Ruminating

I recently came across an article that discusses a link between creativity and mood disorders. The article clearly states that not all creative people are depressed or bi-polar, and that all people with depression or bi-polar disorders are not creative. It does however point out some interesting connections.

From the article:

Experts say mental illness does not necessarily cause creativity, nor does creativity necessarily contribute to mental illness, but a certain ruminating personality type may contribute to both mental health issues and art.

The article discusses such points as hypersensitivity to your environment, creativity, constant ruminating about the things happening to you and the world, and how these are often interrelated. When I first read the article this week, I thought: BINGO! You can read the entire article here.

I am definitely a ruminator, and I have suffered through bouts of depression, from mild to severe. If you ask anyone who knows me personally, they'll tell you I am creative, I have a big heart, and that I sometimes wear my emotions on my sleeve. I imagine that the emotional part comes from the hypersensitivity to my environment. I strongly dislike unfairness, and that is when you will most likely see the emotions. I am also an empathizer, often tuning into the feelings of others, which in turn, can increase my inner burden. Lastly, I think situations to death (perhaps a little obsessive or perfectionist).

There are many people I spend a great deal of time with that seem shocked when I tell them I am and have often been depressed. Most people would say that I am usually upbeat and positive, but that is only when I keep myself busy and focused. If I am around negativity, I tend to fall in to that trap, as well. In other words, I can stay positive if those around me are, as well. At the end of the day, however, when I unleash my inner self, I am exhausted from holding it in and still depressed.

The older I get, the more I realize that I do not think the same as others, which isn't all bad. I tend to think in pictures and emotions. This is quite possibly the creative side of the depressed mind. Perhaps the question "Do I need to paint you a picture?" was meant for me. If I need to recall something, I often must go back to the place the thought first popped in my head. This can be a problem, because if I am asked to recall details of a conversation or action, it may not come to me until I retrace my steps. (I guess I wouldn't be a very good court witness.) Sometimes it only takes one small visual reminder to open the floodgates of memory. Or solitude.

Solitude helps me to sort the scattered thoughts in my mind. My best work comes during times I am alone. While some people may thing I am an extrovert, because I am friendly, as well as busy and productive in group work, chattering away (often too much), I am truly an introvert. Too much togetherness drives me bonkers. It makes me want to jump out of my skin. I need to escape. I do not like spending 24/7 with people, so vacations and business travel can be a bit taxing. I get recharged when I am alone without distractions.

When I look back at my blogs, I see alot of ruminating. Sometimes I write when I'm feeling mildly depressed or vulnerable, thus the ruminating. (Or am I mildly depressed because I ruminate?) However, if I am having a really down day, I would rather sleep or do mindless things, as I can't string together coherent thoughts. As of late, I have probably had more depressed days than not, in a large part, due to some very unfair things happening in the workplace, to others and myself. I have worked hard to fix the wrongs, but to no avail. Add some personal and financial stressors, and there is a recipe for disaster.

I imagine it is time to revisit the medication issue, though that could be a blog of its own...I have handled depression with and without, and will probably spend the rest of my life volleying between the options. Perhaps a change of scenery will be the only elixir I need.