Wallowing In Self Pity---No More

I haven't written much lately. Sometimes even reading is hard to keep up with. Those who follow my blog regularly, probably realize my last 18 months have been somewhat of a rollercoaster ride. Unlike a rollercoaster, however, the downhill ride seems to be steeper than the uphill pull, and even though the ups have been a little more frequent lately, I sometimes let the downs take over. Hang on for this ride--the story is a little longer than usual, but hopefully you will find glimmers of hope in what I share today.

The ups, in no particular order: I have been working hard to manage my depression amidst the dizziness and bumps of this ride. I have restarted my ADD medicine to regain some sort of organization and focus in my daily tasks, as well as the larger tasks that have been hovering over me for a very long time. I am happy to report it is working. Additionally, I have pretty much recovered from my bum shoulder episode, and my back is holding together fairly well, though the headaches and neck are still troubling me. I have started to lose some of the weight that sneaked back on over the holidays and am gearing up for a healthier year ahead. I think I've finally completed grieving, for the most part, the inequities of my former job. I am thoroughly enjoying my new job (but need to find something additional to be fulltime, though I probably have a back-up plan through autumn). I have been able to spend more time with family. I have also spent time working on my family history and and I am starting a blog on that topic, as well as mentoring my nephew in his paternal family history. I am working on planting a small garden. In addition to the most typical root vegetables, plants, and leafy greens, I will be trying my hand at some berries (all sorts), plus a few plum trees. Wish me luck--I am not known for my green thumb, but I'll have help, and I have gardeners on both sides of me. My daughter has landed a 9 month position with benefits. Her boyfriend has another interview today; I'm crossing my fingers. All of my adult children are living at home right now, which can be a blessing or a curse, depending on the day and my state of mind, and the balance in my checkbook. :-) My mother-in-law was able to sell her house quickly, and while that wasn't all blessing, as I think it cut into the time of grieving, she is now moved and settling into her apartment. I have only one more week until our annual sisters and adult nieces get-together in Rochester: Woo-Hoo! Spring has been glorious, with perennial plants and flowers popping everywhere, pelicans, loons, and other waterfowl gracing the lake in large numbers, and fresh breezes and fresh perspectives floating through the house.

The downs: I thought I was almost through the wild ride, only to find out my husband's three month follow up after a recent health scare didn't come with the results we had hoped for. I am not going to panic, yet. Instead I am going to ask for prayers and kind thoughts as we face a biopsy next Friday. I am still working on paying off all the medical bills from our combined winter of tests and therapies, along with other large unexpected expenses, and now the first half real estate taxes are looming over our heads in three weeks. Having a drained savings account due to many large expenditures over the last two years, while a drastic cut in both of our incomes, I tend to feel a great weight on my shoulders as we face next week. Yet somehow, I also know all will be okay, it always is. We are still grieving the loss of my father-in-law, and selling the 4+ decade family home brought new emotional challenges to the entire family. We will be interring Richard's ashes two weeks from today in his final resting spot at the Minnesota Veterans Cemetery near Little Falls/Camp Ripley. It will be an emotional time, but also a necessary step in our grieving process. I've felt dragged down before, seemingly to the lowest of low depths, but somehow, I always manage to pull through, so I expect this time will be no different. Again, prayers, kind thoughts, and encouragement are extremely welcome.

I have come to realize over my life journey, often through others I've known up close and personal or through close contacts, many people face great challenges in life. While some people seemingly have greater challenges than most, either in quantity or scope, there are often common factors in their successful journeys. Humor, prayers, emotional, physical, and sometimes financial support from family, friends, and even complete strangers, carry sufferers through some of their toughest challenges. Every day I seem to hear of or know someone who is facing a similar challenge, and many that are facing challenges far beyond anything I've experienced. Some have survived and moved forward to help others, while others are just beginning the wild ride. It keeps my woes in perspective to know that no matter how tough the road gets, someone else has been down this same path, or a journey filled with even more and/or larger potholes. Some recent examples:

A local teenager, friend to my children, was in a car accident April 8th on her way to school. Her car rolled over and was submerged in a pond, with only the very back end still visible to passerby, but she was soon found and pulled from the pond by local heroes, her lifelessness restored by a man who had just learned CPR two weeks earlier. There were some very tense days these last two weeks, two steps forward, one back, but she's been "fighting like a girl" (her mom's words), and is scheduled to transfer out of the ICU today. She still has a long road ahead, with possible twists and turns, but she has had many thousands of visits to her Caring Bridge page, and the prayers and support from family, friends, and strangers alike, are lifting her spirits and holding her family up. A whole community and beyond (friends of friends of friends, etc.) have rallied together, organizing a Facebook prayer page, prayer chains, a fund at two banks, a "Fight Like A Girl" t-shirt sale, and a spaghetti supper. What is especially cool about all this support is that most of the efforts have been spearheaded by youth, a segment of our society more commonly frowned upon than respected. I'll leave that topic alone, for now, because that deserves its own special place of honor. It is amazing how the support grows in this small town, but after all, isn't that what community really means?

I just started following the journey of another local woman recently diagnosed with breast cancer. The twist to her story is that she is a quadripalegic, having been paralyzed in a sledding accident when she was a teen. It seems like some people get the challenges piled on, perservering throughout. There are lessons for all of us in the challenges of others, I think. Her Caring Bridge journal is a well articulated account of the daily struggles she faces, filled with humor, prayerfulness, hope, and humility as she forges ahead on this journey. Her words flow beautifully, allowing the reader to literally be there with her. Again, thousands are visiting her page, offering prayers, hope and encouragement, as she goes forward, and a community that has had several tragedies over the last month, is still raring and ready to march in support for this marvelous woman. Another twist to this story is that her cousin was the passerby that resucitated the teenager pulled from the pond. While each family suffers their own tragedies, they and those whom have been touched by them, are offering up prayers and support for each other.

I was recently emailed a video from my supervisor. I am not technically skilled enough to place this video here (I tried once without success, and am sure I've learned nothing new lately that would help in that skill), so I will share a link. The woman shown is a friend of my supervisor's daughter, and in my supervisor's words: "she is absolutely amazing and one of the kindest, most loving women I've ever met." This Missouri woman, faced with a condition at birth that limited the use of her arms and shoulders, recently had a baby, and is shown in her daily child care routine. I was absolutely amazed at the ingenuity and skills she has developed and the fortitude she displays. Diapering, feeding, and bathing a child with her feet puts any challenges I had as a parent into perspective.

I recently heard part of my my supervisor's own life story, surviving a childhood filled with abuse (all forms), taking what she learned from her experiences, using it to be a better parent and help others who have challenges along the way. I must say, she is one of the most kind, caring, and delightful individuals I have ever met, and I am so glad our paths have crossed. We recently heard her story will be shared in a national woman's magazine, and when it is, I will try to follow up here.

Another woman whom I have encountered in my work has recently been interviewed for an upcoming piece in the St. Paul Pioneer Press as part of the events surrounding the Healing Field, which strives to bring awareness to the plight of child abuse and the ongoing prevention efforts in Minnesota, as well as supporting and praying for healing for survivors. She is another woman filled with tremendous fortitude, and abundance of faith, and a seemingly endless supply of sunshine, overcoming a life filled wih tremendous child abuse, using what she has learned and continues to learn, to help others. Again, when that story comes out, I will try to link to it in my blog.

Somehow, when I learn about or meet people as those above, I am compelled to reach for the strength that I know still lies within, and march forward with purpose. I know the support from others will help that strength grow. None of the people above are looking for pity, just prayers and support, and thus I am reminded to stop wallowing in my own self pity when times are tough and start counting my blessings, of which there are many. As I go through this week, I will remember a favorite quote: "When you feel like you are at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on!"