THE BOX

As so often times happens here on these blogs, mine and others, nostalgia arises. Perhaps, it is just the need in our hectic lives to return to a time more simple, when everything seemed perfect. Was it? Heck, NO! Somehow, our memories seem to polish away the imperfections. There are gems to be had in looking back, however.

Today, inspired by Country Woman, City Woman, I journey back to my childhood once again, to retrieve the box. My childhood wasn't filled with expensive toys or nice clothes. It wasn't free from pain. It certainly wasn't always happy. I didn't come away from childhood severely scarred, though I would say I didn't come away unmarked, either. However, in the journeys back, nothing seems as painful or insurmountable as it did as a child. Back then, however, I had the box to help me through.

In her blog, entitled Visiting the Magic of Youth, Prairie Woman details the many imaginative games and activities that filled her days growing up in smalltown North Dakota. I could relate to so many of those activities (growing up in small town Minnesota). As adults, we often forget what it was like to be a child, and leaving those childlike qualities behind, can sour us. Returning to those days of simplicity can teach us a thing or two about how to get through the tough moments and can be a sweetener for a bitter day. When things were tough as a child, we journeyed to a land of make believe. Here, no one could hurt you, because you held all the power and magic that kept evil away. You could imagine yourself to be anyone and do anything, because even if the reality was that you were poor and hungry, you could imagine it to be something different. If you were lucky like me, you may have also had a box.

What is this box of which I speak? It was my refuge. My get away from it all abode. In my case, it was an old appliance box...(refrigerator). The box had been hauled up to the bedroom I shared with four other sisters. It was placed on its side under the clothes in the makeshift closet (a closet pole suspended from the ceiling). Pillows and blankets were piled inside for comfort. It was a place to hide out, nap in the middle of the day, or just simply get away. It could be my own little cabin, my castle, my cave, my library, or my art nook. It was a place of serenity when I was mad, angry, fearful, or tired. As a child, as much as today, I recharged best when I was alone. I need reflection time and peace and quiet. I need a space to call my own. The box fit the bill nicely back then.

One day, I caused my family much concern. They hadn't heard from me in hours. Supper came and went without me. We were quite free to roam the town, but we usually didn't miss supper. My siblings were sent to scour the neighborhood. No signs of me. My friends' families were called. Not there. My dad got in his van and drove about town. No luck. The local police officer was called when all the other search efforts failed. Around 10 PM, I awoke and went down stairs, to a surprised but relieved family. They had failed to check the box, which was partially hidden behind the racks of clothes. I had nestled up and fallen asleep. One feeling that was not lost on me that night, even at a tender young age, was that my family really cared, even though there were moments I was sure they didn't (it took a few more later lessons to reinforce that, though).

As a parent, my children had a box. As a daycare provider, my charges had a box. As a teacher, my preschoolers had a box. If the box got torn, we replaced it. If there were none available for awhile, we covered a card table with a large sheet or blanket. At times, we used a small pup tent. It worked the same. It was a place where a child could get away from it all...envelope themselves in down time. Recharge with no interference from the outside world.

Well, we can't imagine our bills away, nor loss of jobs, medical problems, or betrayal of false friends. Through the eyes of a child, however, we can learn to find joy in the simplest of life's treasures. Each day brings new light. Everyday is filled with possibilities if we imagine them. Sometimes, we need to reflect on just what it is that is important. A few minutes or hours away fom the hub-bub of the seemingly insurmountable is sometimes all that is needed to recharge and put things into perspective.

And if you're really lucky, you have known one of the simplest of life's treasures: the refrigerator box.

Adios 2008 ~ Bienvenidos 2009

For many reasons, I am happy to bid farewell to 2008. I had quite a few unwelcomed changes in the year, which seemed to have a snowball effect at the end of the year. My own personal blizzard of sorts. At the same time, there were joys sprinkled throughout...those few glimpses of sun that assure you there will be spring again.

As a former ECFE parent facilitator, I used to start my parent sessions with joys and concerns...joys always came first. So, too, in this recap of 2008, I will start with the joys.

Early in 2008, I discovered Area Voices. I started this blog after reading Farside of Fifty for about a month. Along the way, I have discovered many other regulars, really too numerous to mention, but I comment on many of them. You usually know if I read your blog regularly, plus I've linked many on my sidebar, though it needs a huge update. Thank you to my readers, but also to all the other bloggers. This has been a wonderful avenue for expression of inner thoughts, ideas, and opinions. It has also been a tool for me to practice writing again. Yea!

The program I managed saw great growth and wonderful changes in 2008. We received accolades from many areas, had great program reviews, and I received many personal compliments on my endeavors. I worked my butt off! My work touched the lives of hundreds in positive ways. Thankfully, the work I did, was not unnoticed or unappreciated by many, especially those who were in the mix of the every day operations, which helped me later in the year when things got tough.

I was able to take a whole week off at Spring Break & was able to spend it with my entire family. Rare! We had a very relaxed week at out time share near Nisswa. I actually had time to read several books, an added bonus.

In August, I spent 10 days on a trip to the northwest to attend the wedding of a special friend, a former co-worker, and one of the nicest guys I've ever known. He made an absolute wonderful choice and I was so happy to see him take this step. It was a girl's only trip, which helped us make some mother-daughters memories that are helping to carry me through a very bleak time. It was my first real summer vacation in eleven years! It also challenged me to stretch-- navigating 4500 miles into unknown areas was quite freeing.

I applied for and started a new job, which is related to my previous work, but in many ways quite different and somewhat freeing. In the new job, I work out of my home office and do not have to hire or supervise other employees! Woo-hoo! I am still learning the ropes, but hope this will be the right fit for my future. At this time, it is part-time, so I am looking for ways to supplement my income, but hoping that my vast experience in many service areas will help in that manner, despite the poor economy.

Although many of my readers may not agree, I was excited for the outcome of the 2008 elections. Many people that know me think I am quite conservative, but I usually vote independently, though I truly lean toward the Democratic views. Personally, I don't think I could ever find a party that totally defines my views. I do think President Elect Obama elicits hope that we can work together, and should work together, to solve problems. As a country, each and every one of us has a stake in our future. We all need to pitch in and do our little part in making this a better world for all people. Any contribution is helpful.

I was able to spend Christmas with all thirteen siblings and two relatively healthy parents. Additionally, for the most part, my physical health was mostly good...mental health, well, that you'll find in the concerns.

I am sure, I've missed a few joys along the way. Somehow, the negative always seems to cast a greater shadow, that seemingly consumes the soul, at times. Perhaps, it is human nature.
Now,those concerns. Whew, they have brought me to my knees!

First came the announcement that our hours at work would be cut. Then, during what was a busy and fairly successful summer, came some news that the "powers that be" had some issues with my work, though clear reasons were never given. The first issue was successfully resolved, then all the sudden, it was something else. To this day, I've not been given clear answers, only that my position was changed, & it would be less hours. I had worked my butt off for what?During the time that I was reeling myself, I was trying to reassure employees and partners who were totally shocked, angry, and confused. I still do not have answers, but in the span of a few days I was offered a new job, so I stressed greatly in November & December to work both jobs. I am now working 1/2 time and collecting a small amount of unemployment as I search for ways to keep from going back to the former employment.

In May, my daughter, should have graduated from high school, but didn't. It is frustrating, as she had so much support, but has always needed to be defiant and do things her way. She also overestimates what she can accomplish in a certain amount of time. We continue to work on trying to resolve this, but her defiance often gets in the way. Uggghhh. It was difficult to attend the graduations of my niece & nephew, and answer all the questions, but one of my sisters, at least, has offered many supportive words. This child is the most like I was at that age, and academically, she could have done this early, so it is disheartening, but in her time, it will get done.

My son, struggled through lots of poor choices after moving out mid summer. His first 21 years were so easy on me. Not sure where things changed. He has lost one job, struggled to find another, struggled through college this fall, being put on academic probation, etc. I probably don't even know all the details, but his choice of friends and activities after moving in with his older sister, caused her to become so frustrated that she just picked up and left. He has lots to learn.

My oldest daughter, always the level-headed one, opened her apartment to her brother when he wanted some freedom. Within months, his constant parade of so-called friends, non-stop partying, etc. wore her down. It caused small cracks in her relationship with her long-time boyfriend to break wide open. They called a break, and she soon started to see a manager of the store she worked, which is a forbidden activity (probably why she kept it somewhat quiet). Within a month, she had picked up and moved to Texas, where he transferred. She left her secure job, with no job prospect there. No goodbye. Took only some of her clothes that she could fit in her car. The siblings took over the apartment. It's been a struggle to understand. I'm working on it, though the holidays were tough.

My final concern was the clouds of depression that I dealt with as my life was changing. I am still working on that, and finding ways to come to grips with the darkest days. I will monitor myself closely in 2009, and take appropriate measures if the sun doesn't shine enough.

Last night & this morning, I closed the chapter on my year. My 2 younger children thought they could manage moving out of the apartment (which they had quickly learned they couldn't afford), even as we've been trying to help over the last few weeks. They assured us they didn't need (or want) help & had lined up six pick-up trucks. At 7:00 PM, my daughter called. Everyone had ditched and they had no help. My son was at work. There was no way they could be out by this morning. My husband and I spent a very long night and morning, packing, moving, and cleaning. We finished the move at 7:00 A.M. this morning and learned we aren't as young as we used to be. (We slept in until about two, and we both ache today.) Leaving the apartment empty allowed us a clean slate and a new beginning. I assured the kids they are welcome to come home, under our house rules. For the next few days, at least, they seem content to eke it out on their own. Just as my journeys have been ways for me to stretch and grow, so their's will too.

In 2009, I look to the possibilities that all of these changes bring. A former employee commented yesterday, regarding my work situation, that perhaps this was God's way of giving me a kick in the pants to slow down. She reminded me of the good that I did, and that I am needed somewhere else now. I have had that reoccurring thought throughout this ordeal. So, in 2009, I will work at recognizing what lessons I am supposed to be learning as I go through my daily trials.

Welcome 2009! You could not have arrived a moment too soon!!
(also published at Area Voices).